Metal Gear Solid 2: In the Making
by Madnesshawk
Summary: I've placed a note concerning the fate of this fic as the last chapter. This is the end.
1. The George Washington Bridge

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid or any characters associated with the game. That all belongs to Hideo Kojima, but I think we all understood that point before deciding to read my spoof. If this disclaimer somehow escapes your mental grasp, you should probably request to repeat grade 2. The rest of you, enjoy!  
  
Author's Note: This is my first fan fic. I used to take part in a fun thread on a message board with my friends that was somehow turned into a fiction of sorts. So, we'll just see how I do here. This spoof will NOT be in the normal story format. Reviews are much appreciated. Now, on with the story! (Read: On with the jokes at Metal Gear Solid's expense)  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: The George Washington Bridge  
  
  
  
Snake: So, when does this take start? It's really cold and wet out here.  
  
Director: In about two minutes, Solid.  
  
::Snake points his modified M9 at the Director.::  
  
Director: If you think you'll speed up the take by threatening me then the jokes on you buddy! There's no tranquilizers in that gun!  
  
::Snake drops the M9 to the ground, then punches the Director out cold. Immediately, a giddy, dancing figure can be seen farther down the bridge with the technical staff. That figure…was Raiden.::  
  
Raiden: So does this mean I can direct now? It's a simple take. I can handle it! Why doesn't anyone think I can do it?? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME PROVE MYSELF?!?!  
  
Snake: Err…we didn't say anything yet.  
  
Technician: I think it would be best if we wake up--  
  
Snake: -- I think it would be best if you shut the hell up! Whatever gets me out of this rain faster!  
  
Raiden: You could just tell the guy on top of the bridge to turn the hose off…  
  
:: Meanwhile, the man atop the bridge has been listening in over radio with the Technical Staff.::  
  
Man: ……Hose?  
  
:And back on the ground, the disgusted yells and moans of the technical staff have carried all the way up to the bridge, and also alerted Snake to the possibility of something wrong.::  
  
Snake: What? What's so disgusting?  
  
Raiden: Well, the good news is nobody has to tell the man up there to turn the hose off, it should just stop flowing in a minute. The bad news is we don't have a shower anywhere close by for you to use.  
  
Snake: WHAT? THAT'S DISGUSTING!  
  
Technician: Blame it on budget cuts. We couldn't afford 500 feet of hose.  
  
Snake: But you could afford all those cameras and other electrical equipment?  
  
Technician: Well, yes….and I also got my Ferrari waxed.  
  
Snake: ::grumbles::  
  
Raiden: I guess we'll be getting on with the take now. You'll want to get yourself out of this "downpour" I'm sure. EVERYONE OFF THE SET! SOMEBODY COME MOVE THE DIRECTOR!  
  
::Almost immediately, three Technical staff lift Raiden up and carry him away.::  
  
Raiden: You idiots! I meant the normal director.  
  
Technician: Snake took care of that already.  
  
Raiden: What? How?  
  
::Raiden is dropped into his director's chair, allowing him a chance to look back onto the set. Snake is laughing like a giddy schoolgirl as the director's body plummets towards the water below.::  
  
Technician: More doughnuts for us then.  
  
Snake: LET'S GET THIS THING OVER WITH!!  
  
Raiden: Right…places everyone. Get the cameras set up. Okay, annnnnnnnd ACTION!  
  
Snake: …..SOMEBODY BUMMED MY SMOKES!!  
  
Raiden: CUT! Snake needs those for the game, and especially this scene! Whomever stole them should return them now!  
  
::A coughing voice is heard from somewhere in the back of all the cameras.::  
  
???: No way is he ::cough:: getting them back! I'm in flavour country!  
  
Raiden: He only needs one!!  
  
???: It's a big country.  
  
Snake: Well that's just --  
  
::A cig falls into Snake's outstretched hand from far above.::  
  
Snake: --great! Let's do this!  
  
Raiden: Alright. We clear on set? Good. Annnnnnnnnd ACTION!  
  
::Snake begins the scene walking and smoking, everything is going according to plan. Or so it seems. Back behind the cameras, all is not well.::  
  
Technician: Raiden, we're almost out of Hot Wheels to throw forward past the camera.  
  
Raiden: I was wondering why all the cars said "Mattel". Okay, well we're almost done. Just keep them going. Whoops, time for voice over! Cue the Audio guys!  
  
Audio Guy: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I can't find the pre-recorded tape!  
  
Raiden: Well, throw something on!  
  
::In a panic, the Audio Guy throws a tape on, and awaits the result with baited breath while Snake starts his run. Then, the audio kicks in.::  
  
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are a-standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head. Give'em a twist. A flick of the wrist….."  
  
::All the while, Snake tries not to react and keeps up his running, until he reaches the spot where he is scheduled to jump, but that would be done in another scene, along with the visuals of his invisibility cloak.::  
  
Raiden: CUT! That's a wrap. We are not going to do this one over, Snake's smell is making some of the technician's nauseous.  
  
::As if on cue, a technician falls unconscious onto the blacktop.::  
  
Raiden: Toss that guy over the side, and let's get this equipment outta here people. We're done for today…  
  
Author's Note: And that's the first chapter. It's not nearly as funny as I would have hoped. But I'll leave it up to those of you who review it. I'd love to know what you think. I should have another chapter up very soon, unless you'd all like me to quit right now. 


	2. Technicians and Tankers

Disclaimer: This is the section of chapter 2 deemed a waste of your time. I really see no point to typing it again, but just to make those uptight people happy, here it is. I do not own Metal Gear or any characters associated with the game. I trust we're all happy now?  
  
Author's Note: No reviews yet huh? I guess I'm not loved. ::sniffle:: …or maybe you're all just lazy. Either way, reviews would be nice. I don't write this for myself, I enjoy writing for others.  
  
  
  
Chapter 2: Technicians and Tankers  
  
  
  
::We rejoin the cast and crew of Metal Gear 2 on their second day of shooting on the tanker. The first thing on today's agenda is the visual effects for the first day of shooting. A simple cloaking visual. In theory, Snake should disappear and be replaced by a slight distortion in the air……in theory.::  
  
Snake: So…uh…how does all this technical junk make me invisible?  
  
Technician(A/N: Henceforth known as "Bob"): Well, it's quite simple really. First I open this horribly complicated program on my $5,000 dollar notebook computer. Second, I enter a 20 digit sequence to……Snake?  
  
Snake: Brain no function cigarettes well without…::thud::  
  
::20 minutes later…::  
  
???: Hey, Snake?! Snake, answer me! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!  
  
Snake: Unnn…whoever the hell is yelling in my ear, shut up now!  
  
Otacon: Oh sorry, I was just practicing my lines, and you were out cold, so it really helped the mood.  
  
Snake: Say..Otacon…did you steal my smokes earlier?  
  
Otacon: Uh…I see you've got a modified M9. Let me just explain to you how that works!  
  
Snake: Quit changing the subject!  
  
Otacon: You quit it!  
  
Snake: You're such a baby! Baby!  
  
::Snake squints his eyes and sticks his tongue out at Otacon as Raiden walks up to the group wearing some fancy $200 dollar sunglasses, and eating a bagel.::  
  
Raiden: I'm really getting into this director bit.  
  
::Raiden studies the awkward scene before him, then is heard to proclaim…::  
  
Raiden: I see by your face you've met Olga already, Snake?  
  
Snake: No. I was just…ah nevermind. A VR junkie like you wouldn't understand.  
  
Raiden: You mean I wouldn't understand how sticking your tongue out at Otacon could be so horribly complicated that I wouldn't understand it in the first place, leading up to this conversation where I explain the concept of how I wouldn't understand the immediate concept.  
  
Otacon&Snake: …Riiiiiiight.  
  
Bob: Hey everyone! I'm done the visuals for the bridge scene. Would you like to see?  
  
Snake: Let's take a look.  
  
::Bob enters another horribly complicated sequence of letters and numbers, causing Snake to feel a bit dizzy and lean on Otacon for support. Otacon gives Snake an odd smile, and Solid bolts upright, then inches away from his partner. Meanwhile, last day's scene started rolling on the computer monitor. When Snake was set to disappear, he instead, turned into a rather grisly looking marathon runner.::  
  
Snake: What the…??  
  
Bob: Heh heh heh…  
  
Raiden: Need I remind you we have a busy schedule to keep today, Bob?  
  
Bob: Yeah, yeah, I know. That's just a blooper. I did a real one awhile ago.  
  
Raiden: Good. Now, Snake. For the next scene, we'll have you appear to be jumping from the bridge, onto the tanker. You'll need a device to act as the cloak, of course.  
  
::Raiden hands Snake a small device which he hooks up to his belt, and the crew take their places on the set. Snake gets up on top of some boxes, which he will jump off, giving the appearace of his bridge jump. And three men acting as marines take their places on the tanker (which is shot on location, of course).::  
  
Snake: Ready when you are, Raiden.  
  
Raiden: Great. Annnnnd ACTION!  
  
::Snake jumps off the boxes, landing on deck with a thud. Just then bolts of lightning emmited from the cloak, which are supposed to be a mere visual effect created by sparklers. However, Snake started to convulse, and his eyes rolled into the back of his head as he collapsed on the tankers deck.::  
  
Raiden: ::sighs:: Cut….that one was my bad. I must have handed him a tazer instead of the sparkler gimmick.  
  
Bob: Yeah, you really screwed up this time…  
  
Otacon: SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!  
  
Raiden: WOULD YOU PLEASE NOT DO THAT NEXT TO MY EAR?!?!  
  
Otacon: Oh…sorry.  
  
Raiden: And somebody wake Snake up and give him the proper gimmick!  
  
::Otacon does as Raiden ordered, and the scene is done from the start, flawlessly this time. Next on the agenda, is Otacon's basic walkthrough of Snake's weapons and control. The crew set up for the next scene when Otacon pipes up.::  
  
Otacon: Ahem…I am a fish! THE DEEPS FISH!!  
  
Raiden: …Maybe we should shoot that scene tommorow. Let's pack it up boys.  
  
Otacon: REMEMBER THE DEEPS FISH!!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Wow, this is fun! I hope the empty space which fills this fic is enjoying it as much as I am. REVIEW BEFORE I DIE A SLOW AND AGONIZING DEATH! I mean..if you have time, that is. Thanks! 


	3. Director's Cut #1

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid, or it's characters. Yep..I'm worthless.but I love my job! Mainly because I don't have one!!! Alright!!  
  
Author's Note: I guess I sorta owe you all a new chapter. Sorry for a major delay. FF.net was down and out for the longest time, and I didn't have much inspiration for awhile. Anyway, I've got some really good reviews out of my first two chapters. I feel all warm and fuzzy. More reviews after this chapter would be appreciated. A friend of mine suggested this idea for a chapter, and I hope to insert one of these every once and awhile.  
  
Chapter 3: Director's Cut #1  
  
Raiden: Hello, Raiden. THE Director here. Just this morning it occurred to me that you, the fans of the Metal Gear series might like to see some of our earlier work on this game. So far you've been treated to the making of the scenes already inserted into the game. But here's what you didn't see.  
  
Scene: The George Washington Bridge (Actor for Solid Snake: Mike Myers)  
  
Myers: ::Takes a drag on his cig.:: ....  
  
Director(original from the first chapter): Start running!  
  
Myers: .I'm a sexy bitch, baby!  
  
Director: You're also fired!  
  
Scene: The George Washington Bridge (Actor for Solid Snake: Michael Keaton)  
  
:: Keaton takes a drag on his cig, then coughs out a white plume of smoke.::  
  
Keaton: Batman doesn't need this filth!  
  
Director: For the last time, you're not Batman!  
  
Keaton: I'm Batman!  
  
::Keaton puts on the famed Batman Mask::  
  
Keaton: See! You have no argument against this astounding proof!  
  
Director: But if you truly were Batman, wouldn't it make more sense to hide your identity?  
  
Keaton: .Touche.In that case. I'M NOT BATMAN!! Forget what you heard here on this day, civilian!  
  
::Keaton takes this opportunity to jump off the side of the George Washington and plummets to his death in the waters below.::  
  
Otacon: KEEEEEEEEAAAAATOOON!!  
  
Director: Where the hell do we get these guys.?  
  
Bob: Actor's for Discount Contract Agency.  
  
Director: Ah.  
  
Raiden: So you see, it's been a hard process just to come by the mediocre talent we have now. Minus myself, I'm pure genius.  
  
Snake: ::huffs:: VR Junkie.  
  
Raiden: I can fire your ass!  
  
Snake: You need me.  
  
Raiden: Good point. Fetch me a Long Island Iced Tea, servant biscuit!  
  
Snake: I'LL LONG ISLAND ICED TEA YOU!!!  
  
Raiden: Good, because that's exactly what I asked for. Chop chop!  
  
::Snake's eyes begin to twitch and he runs off screaming.::  
  
Raiden: Well, he may be a bit emotional, but he's a better servant than those radioactive monkeys we used to have. Anyway, we're out of time for today--  
  
Otacon: What're you talking about? This is part of a DVD extra that comes with the game.  
  
Raiden: Well, simply because I said we're out of time. I have to go get my hair done at the salon.  
  
Otacon: You are such a girl!  
  
Raiden: Oh yeah? What about your doll collection?  
  
Otacon: HEY! You leave Mary-Sue out of this!  
  
Raiden: Right.anyway.we hope to see you next time on Director's Cut!  
  
::Insert cheesy Masterpiece Theater music here.::  
  
Author's Note: I'm not sure about this one, but I think it's a little short and uninspired. It's a new idea I was working with, so you'll have to give me a little time to get used to it. Anyway, if I have any new inspiring ideas, I'll be sure to write a new chapter soon! Reviews would be great! 


	4. Otacon Makes Himself Useful

Disclaimer: A : a denial or disavowal of legal claim : relinquishment of or formal refusal to accept an interest or estate B : a writing that embodies a legal disclaimer.  
  
With that said, please keep in mind that I do not own any part of the Metal Gear series, or any characters associated with the game. However, Bob the Technician is my own creation.  
  
Author's Note: Ahem. I am a fish!!!! Well, I'm not really, I've just been wanting to say that for awhile. For Chapter 3 I'm going to be writing Otacon's explanation of the weaponry. After this, I may or may not jump ahead a bit. I'd love to know what the readers think. Would you like me to continue from the digital camera and go through the Russian's boarding the tanker? Do you want a scene or two of Snake avoiding the guards and cameras? Or would you rather I jump ahead to the battle with Olga? I'll leave it all up to you fans. Speaking of fans ::whispers of "Oh God, is he still talking?!":: .yeah, I've been getting some great reviews and I'm quite happy you are all enjoying this spoof. I'll try my best to uphold the level of quality so far, but it can be a little tough to come up with ideas all the time. Anyway, I'll stop wasting your time now.  
  
Chapter 3: Otacon Makes Himself Useful.Depending On How You Look At It.Yeah  
  
::It's the third day of filming for the cast and crew. On this morning everyone is in good spirits. Why you ask? Well, there are three reasons. First off, today's shooting is scheduled to be a short one. Secondly, a new shipment of doughnuts has found its way to the buffet table. And third, today is an actual downpour, instead of the tech guy who drinks WAY too much coffee.::  
  
Raiden: Okay everyone, I want to start off quickly here. There's no use burning time on the set when we could be off enjoying life.  
  
Snake: I'm not buying it. What're you up to today?  
  
Raiden: The gals down at the salon have some really juicy gossip on Wednesday's.  
  
Otacon: Girly-man.  
  
Raiden: ::grumbles:: Mary-Sue!  
  
::Snakes facial expression turns to one of complete and utter horror. Thinking quickly, Snake dives behind the buffet table, grabbing a jelly doughnut on the way. Bob the Technician clumsily crouches down behind Snake as the tension in the air builds between Otacon and the director, Raiden. It was to be the fight to end all fights! Cat fights that is.::  
  
Otacon: You bitch! I'll give you the clawing of a lifetime  
  
Raiden: Bring it on, mother lover!  
  
Otacon: Mother-in-Law!  
  
Raiden: It's still gross. Now die!  
  
::The insults turn to girly blows as Raiden claws at Otacon. However, Emmerich blocks with his right arm. He then counters by flipping his lab coat tail up and whipping Raiden in the eyes. The VR Junkie stumbles backwards screaming obscenities, totally unprotected. Otacon leaps forward slamming into..Raiden's no-handed cartwheel.::  
  
Raiden: Fooled you. Sissy mother lover!  
  
::The doctor stumbles to his feet clutching his throbbing head in pain. He shakes his head about in every direction in an effort to dispel the severe case of double-vision.::  
  
Otacon: I have a P.h.D in ass-kicking!  
  
Snake: He's lying. Can we get back to the filming now?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, I guess we should. Truce, Hal?  
  
Otacon: Truce, Jack.  
  
Raiden: Who's Jack?  
  
Otacon: You are. That's your name, Jack. Jack is your name.  
  
Raiden: That's the first I've heard of it. Hm.I have name. Sweet. Right, well anyway, let's set up people!  
  
::Snake walks up behind cover of the metal and boxes while Otacon and Raiden clear the set. Otacon will be using a radio behind the cameras. All Codec transmissions are done by the Technicians later on. Snake crouches down, and the short tutorial begins.::  
  
Otacon: Okay Snake, lets take a look at your gear. Your weapon is nude photos of Whoopy Goldberg to flash the guards with.  
  
::Behind the scenes, Bob chokes down the remainder of his jelly doughnut in pure disgust, while Raiden vomits over the side of the tanker. He's too busy coughing up his own stomach acids to call cut, so he pulls a pair of scissors out of his skull suit and makes a snipping motion.::  
  
Otacon: Heh heh heh.  
  
Snake: Otacon, that's disgusting.  
  
Otacon: Yeah, well everyone else gets to have fun around here. It was my turn.  
  
Raiden: ::Splutters:: T-t-take two! Ac--::cough::--tion!  
  
Otacon: .Your weapon is a converted Beretta M92F. It's a little tough to work with because you'll have to reload after each shot since the slide locks. Now, your gear. ::gasp!:: Snake, why are there naked photos of Mei Ling in your pocket?!  
  
Snake: Um.I don't know?  
  
::A silence fills the air as Otacon glares from the other end of the Codec transmission. Snake smiles sheepishly for a moment, hoping Otacon would let it go, but the continuing silence says otherwise.::  
  
Snake: If you must know, I was testing the Stealth camouflage. As you can see, it passed with flying colours, and clothing.  
  
Otacon: You know what? I'm not going to argue with you. Just know that I'm really disappointed in you. and do you have any copies that I can borrow?  
  
::Meanwhile, behind the cameras.::  
  
Bob: Shouldn't you have yelled "Cut!" about one minute ago?  
  
Raiden: No. I'm going to let this continue. My theory is, Snake has many copies, and maybe I can have some.  
  
Bob: That's a good theory.  
  
::And now, in front of the cameras.::  
  
Otacon: Cigarettes, Snake?  
  
Snake: They're kind of a lucky charm.  
  
Otacon: You obviously haven't read the Surgeon Generals warning, have you?  
  
Snake: The Surgeon General can go screw a--  
  
Raiden: CUT!! Let's continue from where Snake interrupted.ACTION!  
  
Otacon: Next, your digital camera. You'll find it's almost the same as your old one.  
  
Raiden: CUT! And that's a wrap. TO THE SALON!  
  
Otacon: TO ELECTRONICS BOUTIQUE!  
  
Snake: TO MEI LING'S APARTMENT!  
  
::An un-nerving silence invades the tanker, and it seems as if the waves themselves have calmed down.::  
  
Snake: Ahem. TO THE ARMY SURPLUS STORE!  
  
::All aboard nod their collective heads in approval and the crew heads their separate ways.::  
  
Author's Note: Well, I hope this chapter was to your liking. I'm already in the process of kicking around some ideas for further chapters. As I mentioned earlier though, I will leave the next chapter in the hands of my reviewers. I will write the scene you would like to see of the three choices above. Reviews are appreciated. 


	5. Mission Failed: Exit?

Author's Note: This here is the end. I've been struggling for months to come up with an idea I liked for this spoof, but I can't find one. There are plenty of ideas, but I wanted to do this fic in small bits, so it is taking entirely too long. Thus, I find myself too far behind in the story, and my creative ideas have already zoomed way too far ahead. During the summer when this fic was receiving constant updates, people enjoyed it. Sorry for those of you whom really did enjoy it, but I was inspired to keep writing fan fiction for you all through those first reviews.   
  
If you'd like me to perhaps start a different Metal Gear Solid story, or just want to share ideas on where I could have improved on this story, feel free to Instant Message me on AOL Instant Messenger. My Screen Name is DarkSoulFanatic. You'll find my e-mail is always overflowing, and it would be entirely too hard for you to contact me that way. And that's all I've got to say. Now go enjoy the other fine selections in this category. 


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